When I married my first husband I was young and naive. There was one friend that asked me a few months before our wedding if I was 100% sure I wanted to get married. Looking back now, I knew she was right but I was too scared to act on any impulses.
When I met my husband at 18, I went through the natural progression from college, work, marriage and kids. I didn’t stop and ask myself, “is this the person I want to be sitting on the front porch swing at 80 years old with? Do we have similar parenting styles? Is our mutual respect enough to weather the storms?”
All of these big questions never crossed my mind. I was more excited about the ring, wedding and fairytale life. I do believe I didn’t marry the right person. Do I regret it? Yes and no. No because I love my kids, but yes because after meeting my present husband I realized what I was missing. I was missing a sexual, emotional and spiritual connection. All of these connections were missing and when the storm came there were limited tools to use to fight the storm.
It all became very clear after meeting my husband. I truly was young and didn’t have the skills or confidence to listen to myself. I didn’t stop and think about the consequences or think about my life as a parent. I didn’t want to be alone or start over. I settled for something that felt robotic and safe. I didn’t fight for more. I don’t even think I thought about myself. I was more worried about pleasing others that I lost sight of what I even wanted in a marriage.
I wanted to feel deep love, laughter and uncontrollable sexual chemistry. My love with my husband is deep. This love is worth fighting for. This love is worth changing my bad habits to make him happy. This love is not selfish. This love is me truly loving myself.
This journey has brought me here where I also feel is a blessing. My second chapter in life started after 40, but thankfully it happened.
